Rorschach field

Insert Middle Finger Here

The following is cut for inconsequential school bullshit. Carry on if you wish.

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People raise their eyebrows when I express my numerous irrational fears. And granted, many of them are HIGHLY irrational (I'm afraid of popping balloons and mousetraps, for example) but others....well I feel there's solid justification in some cases. My fear of swimming in open bodies of water for example...


Shit. I think there's a class in here now. Must flee.


That bitch transferred into my Bio lab so now I have to LOOK AT HER STUPID FUCKING FACE AND HEAR HER AWFUL RACIST COMMENTS for another semester. Luckily, I think she's very aware, at this point that I really fucking don't like her (I described her as "my nemisis" to Ross the other day) and she avoids me and sits waaaay on the other side of the room.

Dr. Horrible - Weird look

The things you hear people say

So I went to work last night. It's broiling there, here, everywhere. Fucking all week it's been hovering in the upper nineties with roughly 85% humidity. In other words: DEATH (I'm a Mainer. I talk about weather, okay?) And I have been MELTING of OMFG TOO HOT all week.

Anyway. I was at work sweating my ass off scrubbing the filthy floor in the un-air-conditioned back of the store, ready to start things on fire with my brain. Then Faith, one of my co-workers, had to leave for a family emergency, so they stuck me up front as a clerk.

It mostly went well until this super hick couple comes in to buy cigarettes, candy, and beer. And the dude was being TOO friendly to me, I guess, because the chick felt the need to say aloud to her man thing: "If you didn't fuck around so much, you wouldn't have given me crabs!"

Supernatural - Sam prison

An open letter. [Yes, this entry is public.]


I have been agonizing for months. And for some reason, today, I decided that I either need to man up (forgive the somewhat gender-oppressive expression) or get this out of my system.

So read this is you want, or don't at all. It's okay either way.

I don't even know where to begin. Please realize how difficult this is for me, and my intention is not to blame or accuse you of anything. You see, I came to an epiphany today. I realized that I was being selfish. Rightfully so, in some ways (I still don't know why you had to lie to me) but in other ways, what happened is what I had expected to happen all along and now that I reflect further, I'm somewhat surprised it didn't happen sooner.

I was hurt, yes. Very much so. In many ways, however, I wish I would have reacted better. I was (am?) still your friend? I don't know. It's been very hard to tell with you. I tried to keep in contact as much as possible, but your increasing bouts of silence (just poof!) not only made that difficult, but scared the shit out of me.

I cared about you. I will admit it. I have never felt about another person the way I felt about you. It delighted me and confused me in many ways (as often happens when you start to feel differently about a friend). I was afraid to be rejected. And...well...nut up or shut up.

So then came the really confusing part. What I told you, I wasn't lying. I might not have been fantastic at showing it, as convoluted and minimal my experience at relationships has been. Not to mention, it was prettymuch doomed from the start. I see that now. Every force in the world, it seemed, was working against us. But there was a short time when I truly thought that we could make it through anything if we tried.

I saw something special, I thought. But I failed to take into account that people do not - nor are they required to - feel the same way each other. Equivalent exchange is an imperfect principal.

I only wish that you had told me, instead of pretending (for what? To spare my feelings? Was it entertaining?). Okay, maybe you got involved with someone else. I can accept that. I would understand, as long as you're honest. But the story you fed me tasted like shit, to be blunt. Then again, just poof. Nothing.

With, what seemed to me, very clear signals that anything we had was over. Okay. I can take a hint. I left you alone and figured that you had my email if you wanted to contact me. And I've spent half a year both hoping you would and dreading it. But I guess it's clear at this point, if I want any closure to this gaping fuck of a wound in my chest. I'm going to have to get this out.

I don't expect a reply to this, nor should you feel obligated to respond. I don't even know if you'll ever read it. I just needed to say this. I hope you understand that I'm just trying to fix my fucking head here a bit and I can't do that until I clear the air. Because as your friend, I felt terrible. You were gone again. And what I should have been was a friendly ear to you, but I was so wrapped up in my hurt, confused emotions that I forgot to keep being your friend. Which is what I should have been all along.

So I guess I need to say I'm sorry - that you felt you couldn't be honest with me, or that I let my hurt feelings cloud my thinking. That I expected so much from you that I didn't have any right to expect. I never meant to stop being your friend. But if that's what you want, that's fine. If I don't hear from you, I promise I'll fuck off for good. I'd just like to know, definitively, so I can stop feeling like such a dickface about this.

I admit my faults (blame me for what you will, I deserve it), and you have your's too. I had hoped we could at least be friends. Have some dark laughs about the shit-spattered underbelly of the world. Someone to level with. But I also chose to give you my heart. It's okay if you don't want it. But there's no lying to myself that you still very clearly have it. All this not knowing.

So if there's some part of you out there that still cares enough to venture this way at some point, kindly break it proper and give it back.

(*No, I am not writing to Sam Winchester.)
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Dark Magician Girl

I have the scooby doo theme song stuck in my head.

In a constant fucking loop. Very annoying.

But I'm doing dishes and striving to keep my dog off the couch and I randomly find myself bursting into a butchered rendition of, "IF WE CAN COUNT ON YOU, SCOOBY DOO, I KNOW WE'LL CATCH THAT VILLAIN!"

My life.

I'm waiting for Meg to get here so we can hang out and I'm picking halfheartedly through the fridge because I know I should eat something (haven't yet today) but I dunno. My appetite went POOF. I mean, I know that I am vaguely hungry, but nothing is appetizing and I can't bring myself to put any food in my mouth. It all seems so unappealing.

So after punching myself in the mental face and kicking my own ass for being such a fuckwit, I cheer myself up like I always do. I teach my dog new tricks.

Right now, we're working on "konichiwa" as a cue word for bow. We're still in the lure-click-treat phase, but eventually, I want to add a bow as a signal on my part for extra cute factor. So the end result will be something like a traditional japanese greeting of bowing to each other. Needless to say. I'm having a lot of geeky fun with this.
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Dark Magician Girl

Something blue

Hey yo check it out!

My bridesmaid dress for Meg and Berry's wedding. This is before alterations. I'm making them cover up my boobs a bit more, for sure. But yeaaaaah. I want to color match it for some nail polish for my toes and I'm debating the eye shadow. I already have one that's close. I think I'd want a more toned down version of it cause that's a realllllly bright color. I will have to continue to think about this.
Rorschach field

Yay for shows about fish!

Animal planet documentaries, protecting the integrity of late night television, what would I do without you?

The answer is thus: probably watching something brain-numbing and terrible in the throes of my insomnia.

Oh man. Cetopsis candiru. Fish that bore holes into your skin and eat you from the inside out. *__* Remind me to never go swimming in the Amazon.
Supernatural - Sam Dean winter

If Work Permits

Couple stories for you. First, a mildly horrifying one.

A couple weeks back, we had the Harlem Globetrotters staying at the hotel. I happened to be cleaning the floor they were staying on. As I was stripping the bed in one particular room, I put my hand into a puddle of wetness. Upon lifting and inspecting my hand I find. Runny. White. OH HOLY FUCK.

Horrified. Appalled. Disgusted, I fucking teleport to the bathroom, I'm moving so fast. Then, scrubbing furiously wailing and swearing the whole time. When I'm sufficiently sanitized, I return to the room to discover that there's WAAAAY too much of it to be what I think it is, and soon after locate an empty bottle of whole milk.

Oh man will I ever be pissed if that shit happens for real. That's just grody. Like the bitch who left her used tampon applicators on the floor for me to pick up today. WTF?

And, I know I've mentioned the tip thing before, and I'd like to present you with a practical example of how much drama this crap causes.

Yesterday, I made $40 in tips, total. Considering some days I get nothing, that's a pretty good day for me. We were at work so late yesterday, the GM bought lunch for us, and so in a rare occurrence, all the housekeepers were in the same place at the same time. During this time, I decided I wanted a drink and therefore, pulled my wad of tips out of my back pocket to fish out a one.

Immediately, the other girls made a big deal about it. Roughly 25 of it was in ones, so it looked like a huge stack and they flat out asked me how much I got. So I told them. And they rabbled about what they got and blah blah.

TODAY, in another rare occurrence, Britt was scheduled to work at the HI, and on top of there being NO LAUNDRY to start with this morning, Britt got stuck with a ton of team rooms. Team rooms means no tips. And it's another big issue that our boss refuses to split them up evenly with everyone and just dumps them on a single person.

So Britt ended up with no tips and was consequentially pissed off about it. First thing in the morning, I'm knocking on doors and drift up to Third.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.
"Go away!"
"Okay I'll come back later!"

This is very typical. I have a love hate relationship with waking people up at 9 in the morning. On one hand, if I wake them, they're much likelier to get up and get the fuck out on time, making my life easier. On the other hand, you never know when you're going to get that guest from hell. I've had a few of those and they're NEVER fun. Guh.

I see Britt coming down the hallway, in tears. She's livid about something. She already hates the fucking job and getting no tips on top of getting stuck with dud rooms is, in all actuality, very frustrating and demeaning.

The way Brittany put it eloquently, this morning, was: "I clean your fucking toilets, the least you could do is leave me a goddamn DOLLAR."

Amen sister.

So she was upset. And we had nothing to do until the laundry got there. So we ended up in the housekeeping office, Britt proceeded to vent her frustrations. Theeeen Gi showed up. I dunno if I've spoken about Gi. I must have. She's the one I took the job from. You know.

Her main problem is that she's very nosy and tries to make everything going on in the hotel at any given time her business. It's obnoxious and she's already been bitched out by another girl who ended up screaming at her, "keep my fucking name outta your mouth."

Additionally, she likes to stir up trouble.

Today, she appearing in the housekeeping office while Britt was ranting. She however, did not see Gi, sitting with her back to the door, and Gi stood in the doorway silently, just listening in. I swear to god, she's got a drama radar and ended up there on purpose. What the fuck.

And I motioned to her to go away. Because it was a private conversation and she wasn't invited. She ignored me, even when I repeated my request. Mind you, technically, she *has* to listen to me, as I'm technically her boss. But we're not going to get into technicalities. Point is, she ignored me and barged in on the conversation and basically made Brittany feel like shit for being upset for a perfectly legitimate reason. (and if you think it's not, go work at a hotel for two weeks and I bet you'll change your mind.) And then proceeded to WHaaa Whaaa I Neeeever get tips blah diddy whine wail rabble bullshit. You know. Utter "pity me" crap, which she pulls ALL the time as a facade to cover up all the dirty backstabbing she does. Basically trying to belittled everyone's problems in order to try to make everyone pay attention to her own. The one-up syndrome, if you will.

Britt and I ended up walking out of the room and going back upstairs to get away from her. I - lucky me - was on the same floor as Gi. I made a pitstop on Britt's floor to have a word with her, and found Gi in the hallway when I got back to my cart. I, being my friendly self, attempt to at least behave civilly to her, because I don't have her life and I don't know her motivations and yeah, she's a bitch, but I have to work with her and I'm capable of making nice if I have to. So, just making a passing comment on my way into my room, I remarked:

"Man, she's heated." I chuckled a little, because I've developed a sense of humor concerning Britt's legendary temper. It's really the only way of dealing with it.

I didn't expect the conversation to go further, I really had no desire to talk about Britt behind her back. I went into my room and started cleaning. She FOLLOWED me into my room and proceeded to tell me,

"I think she's upset because she knows how much you got in tips yesterday."
"No. That's not it at all. That's not the only reason she's pissed off."

Which was true. Britt was also pissed about the laundry, and the team rooms, and the hellhole stayovers she ended up with. Plus, I don't like her making assumptions about shit and gossiping about it, ESPECIALLY to me. What the fuck. Hi, that's my roomate you're talking about, remember?

"Yeah, but you really shouldn't have done that yesterday. It really causes a lot of trouble and jealousy among the girls."

"Look, all I wanted to do was get a dollar for the fucking soda machine. Everyone else made a big deal of it."

"Yeah well you should count it in private and just say "oh I made some" but don't say how much. Because you made a lot of money and the other girls didn't and feelings get hurt. DON'T. It upsets people. Don't do it. Just don't do it. Don't."

"Gi, I didn't DO anything. Jesus. You're a fucking adult. Cry Moar."

Yes. I literally said that. And then she walked away and didn't say anything else. But I'm sorry, that's how I feel about it. Okay. We all have good tip days and bad tips days and I get fucking shafted with all the team rooms more often than anyone else at that fucking hotel. And when Gi says "It upsets people" it means, "It upsets Gi" because I know Brittany doesn't give a fuck. She just wants her *own* tips and Terry definitely doesn't give a fuck. She said to me yesterday, "damn girl! You made cake!"

Does that sounds upset to you? Does it?

No. Gi is the only one all butthurt about it.

So then laundry came and Britt and I were talking in the basement. And like as with Britt's temper, I've developed a sense of humor about the crazy shit that comes out of Gi's mouth on a regular basis. I guess that's just how I deal with things.

So, personally, though I was mildly miffed about her trying to blame me for Britt being upset, I mostly thought it was funny, and thought Britt might think it was funny too. Normally, she would have. Today, however, was not the day, and it had the opposite desired effect. Instantly, Britt was bristling like an offended predator, thirsty for a fight.

Whoops. My bad. That's what I get for gossiping.

So I convince Brittany NOT to go pick a fight with her but she wants to quit and go home. So Monica finds me and she sends me to talk to Britt while she talks to Gi. Apparently, my managerial duties include peacekeeping. Too bad I inadvertently caused the drama. >_>

So I told Britt, "Monica's EXACT words were 'Tell Britt: Don't listen to Gi, she's CRAZY. She can't leave, we need her to stay."

So I sweet talk Britt into staying and meet up with Monica in the elevator and told her flat out, "keep Gi away from Brittany unless you want an epic bitchfight on your hands."

She laughed, but I was dead serious. Britt was still rearing to go. Flat out.

And to think, all of this could have been avoided if more people thought to leave even just a single dollar for their housekeeper's troubles. Think of it as paying for the privilege of being able to throw garbage on the floor and towels on the furniture and spill crumbs in the bed and sugar on the desk and whatever other mess you want to make that you can't make at home and have someone else clean up after you. Isn't that alone worth a dollar?

I should really be in bed now. I really shouldn't be so amused by all this drama, since I get to deal with whatever fallout there may be tomorrow. Buuuuh.
Supernatural - Sam Dean dreaming

Sasquath *IS* something I haven't seen before! O__o

1. Forgot to mention. Went to Bangor yesterday. Got a new jacket, which is awesome. I haven't had a new one in about 4 years, and the lining is all shredded and full of holes and the pockets are torn. It's dry clean only. BUH. So, I got a new one and promised my mom I'd take my old one to get fixed and cleaned. Which, I should considering it's an Anne Klein and probably the most expensive article of clothing I own. (Not that I paid that much for it.) I know that's a shitty reason, but I see it as it's a *nice* *useful* thing, and I appreciate the use I've gotten from it and I'd like to keep getting use of it. *shrug* I dunno. I got distracted.

Because I don't know if there's anyone in the SPN fandom on my flist that hasn't heard esbeani's fansongs, but if you haven't than you should go there IMMEDIATELY and listen. (My favorite is I Would Have Done.)

I have them all on my ipod and they are ...chilling, haunting, fucking heartbreaking. Simple folk songs with little more than a guitar, but the lyrics will twist your heart out and stomp it into teeny tiny pieces and make you ache for those goddamned boys in no way you've ached before. Oh man. I literally had to *stop* listening so I could type this.

Oh I hope this girl makes an album someday. Then SPN would kinda be on par with Harry Potter and all its wizard rock. :p Then again, Little House on the Prairie has a tribute band too. >__> Don't ask me how I know that.

So, what else. Oh yes. Dropped Murphy off at Best Buy, which I've been meaning to do since I used him for discus practice. They said that they'd try to fix it, but they'd most likely junk it. Which means *NEW LAPTOP* *shing! sparkle sparkle* My parents are glad they got me that drop policy (which runs out next month) but I'm insisting firmly that I'm making sure I'm getting *full use* of it. Stick it to the man any way you can.

Got an odd job to do tomorrow, which is great. Can get a jump start on paying January's rent, which I have to make up for when I get home and is already a week late. No biggie though. It's not like it's not getting paid. I just have to pay Joe back. Which, he understands and is good like that.

Good news is, I've regained a fond appreciation for my roomates. I mean, really some of the stuff that annoys me is just me being cranky. Three things happened to change that. 1) license. I won't be stranded at home if they decide to take off somewhere. 2) My birthday coming up. While I don't want to go bar hopping, it will be nice to be on par with them. 3) Perspective. I've had a chance to be away and I've decided that Rhode Island isn't so terrible. And that I do miss Britt and Joe. They're my friends, y'know? And despite my complaining sometimes, it's just venting so I don't snap at them. We *do* have fun together. Besides that, Maine is fucking COLD right now. I want O-U-T out. I'm shivering right the fuck now.

Holy shit this thing is long.

Plus, I miss my jobby. I miss smoking pot indoors. I miss my bed. I miss porn. (tmi, I know. Whatev. I *do*) Strangely, I even miss cooking for roomies. I miss my KITTIES. So bad. As much as Cooper's poor training bothers me (the clotheslining incident today, for example) I can't stop myself from CUDDLING him. I feel *bad* he tries *SO* hard to be a good boy. And I know if my parents would *LISTEN* to me he could be a *really good dog* But he's so fucking CONFUSED. He doesn't know what to do. And I've kinda given up interfering because I'm pretty sure it annoys dad, but he's the worst one. God. I dunno. He's my dad, but he needs a serious wake up call. Like, Victora Stilwell is doing casting call for It's Me or the Dog and I keep fantasizing about signing them up for it so she can whip them into shape. But mum would never forgive me for putting her on national television. :F (but could you imagine? OMFG Victoria Stilwell. I just want to hug her. She's so fucking sexy-adorable. *geek*)

Mum bought some grapes today and I recently found out they fed Cooper grapes once (OMFG *FACEPALM*) so I ran around the house telling all of the kids very very sternly they were not allowed to feed him grapes. And I even gave a *sternlook* to dad about it because apparently *he* did it first.

You guuuuuys. My *PARENTS* are SPOs. D: This makes me so saaaaaad.

Dear god, how much more can I talk about?

No, I think I'm done. I think that's enough, though I'm sure I'll think of more in the future. I always do. XD

Also. here's a dog and bunny double act. Awesome video. SO CUTE
Supernatural - Ruby is HOT

Clearly, I'm feeling masochistic today.

Okay. It's that time again. IP logging is OFF, anon comments are ON, be vicious if you need to, just be honest. Say what you need to say to me. I can take it.

[EDIT] okay NOW it's unlocked. My bad for the mix-up. Have at it.
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